1. The doctor's chart said my blood was type-A, but that was a type-O.
2. What do you do if you see a fireman?
- Put it out, man.
3. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the meat?" The bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
4. Why did the stoplight turn red? Because it was embarrassed to be changing in the middle of the traffic.
5. I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was AMAZING.
6. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
7. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So that when they return to port, then can Scandinavian.
8. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.
10. What do we want? Low-flying airplanes! When do we want them? NeeeeeOOOooowwwww!
11. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
12. Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? All that was left was de Brie.
13. A guy strikes up a conversation with a lumberjack that he meets in a bar.
- "How many trees do you think you've chopped down?" the guy asks. "Exactly 2,742," the lumberjack replies. "How do you know?" "Because every time I chop one down, I keep a log."
14. A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
15. Justice is a dish best served cold. Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater.
16. I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They kept bragging about how good they were.
- It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
17. I was eating at a restaurant when the waiter came to my table and said, "I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?"
- I said, "Why would I want two empty glasses?"
18. I saved up money for months to buy a limited-edition thesaurus. But when I opened it, all the pages were blank!
- I have no words to describe how angry I am.
19.What did 0 say to 8? "Nice belt."
20. Why do fish live in salt water? Because if they lived in pepper water, they would sneeze.